When your whole life has been staying fit and healthy and thin, and you step on the scale one day and realize you have gained 6lbs on your small frame – the most you ever have – life and your struggles smack you hard in the face.

I had read enough about femara to know that I would be gaining weight. The drug blocks the estrogen hormone in order for your progesterone to be prominent so the environment in your body is ideal to conceive and bear a healthy embryo. In doing so, you get hormone imbalances that cause weight gain – specifically in the midsection – as you would when you are going through menopause. Many, many MANY women suffer with this around the ages of 40 and above and they come to me incredibly frustrated because in their minds, they are doing everything they should be, and yet here they are, not losing weight but GAINING weight.

I don’t have a magical answer for this except eating less and moving more.

 

On the edge

In my current situation i need to step away from that mentality as my goal is not to be losing weight, for the first time in my life, but it is to conceive a child. My mind is reeling with confusion and stress and when i step on the scale and I’ve gained another pound from 2 days ago, I don’t know what to do anymore. With a history of eating disorders, my mind goes to a dark place. A place where I start second guessing my current goal and thinking of completely stopping everything we have been doing for 2 years. It’s like an incomplete task. How long do we keep going for? And when we decide we are done trying, I must now prevent pregnancy from happening so I don’t end up with a surprise in 1, 2 or 3 years or more from now when I’m ill prepared and not wanting that in my life anymore.

 

It’s a tough position to be in as i find myself struggling with thinking i don’t actually want a child. As someone who has always been adamant about not wanting children, it’s confusing to switch your mindset to think about the future. Future Leah will be happy she had a child, I know she will but Present Leah isn’t sure. I have met people who just LOVE children and babies and knew their whole lives they wanted to be mothers/ a parent but I never ever had that thought. I’m sure I’m not the only one because lately I’ve had friends ask me seriously, “are you SURe you want this?!” and they go on describing how they don’t regret their child persay, but they regret choosing motherhood. I’m just sitting at the edge and this comments are pushing me closer and closer. Add that to the way I’m feeling about the weight gain, and i might be jumping over. However,  I’ve come this far, is this where I want to end the journey?

Every day I put on a happy face and tell my clients that they are beautiful no matter what and should love themselves first and foremost and focus on being healthy and strong. I whole heartedly believe that and in that moment, I am saying it to myself as well.

Think of where you are and all you have accomplished and do not ever look at yourself with anger or hate because it will not help get you where you want to be.

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